CBP S1E2: Effects of Perfectionism and How to Avoid It

Do you, like me, struggle with a tendency towards unhealthy perfectionism? Stuck in “tweaking” mode instead of moving on and getting things done? Are you afraid to start something new because you’re afraid to fail? You’re not alone. Join me in the Coffee Break podcast for a quick discussion on perfectionism, its effects, and some ideas on how you can avoid it.

Articles referenced in the episode:

• Why a Fixed Mindset Is Hard

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Transcript

Hello everybody, this is Dianne Whitford from Coffee, Grit, and Inspiration and this is your Coffee Break podcast. Today we’re talking about perfectionism. So on the blog you may have noticed,the last few weeks we’ve been doing a growth mindset theme. And as I was researching one of the blog topics, which was why a fixed mindset is harder than a growth mindset, I came across a correlation with perfectionism. 

I wanted to talk a little bit about that today and kind of get into how we can let go of perfectionism, some of the ways that we can try to accept that we’re not always going to be perfect, we’re not always going to succeed, and how to recover from that, and how to recognize that “good” sometimes is “good enough”.

So, just to recap what a fixed mindset is: in a fixed mindset, you can be afraid of failure. Maybe you don’t want to try, because you’re afraid that, that you’ll fail, and how to deal with that failure. And a lot of times, that fear of failure comes from a need to be perfect. For everything to be exactly right. Sometimes you can get stuck in analysis paralysis, or where you’re just “tweaking” instead of actually making strides or making progress.

And that is stressful! Super stressful when you feel like everything you do has to be perfect and that it, you’ll be judged or people won’t like you if it’s not.

So there’s a lot of different opinions about perfectionism and whether it’s healthy or unhealthy, whether there’s a difference between perfectionism – striving for perfectionism – and just looking to improve yourself. And I don’t think anyone would disagree that a healthy drive for self-improvement is good. When it gets bad is when you’re more worried about what other people will think about you and punishing yourself for not being quote-unquote-perfect is when it starts to get negative. It also makes you feel like you’re never good enough. And if you think about that for a minute, never being good enough is pretty miserable. I don’t think anyone wants to feel that way, I think people want to feel like they are accepted the way they are, that people appreciate them, and that their contributions are recognized, even if those contributions aren’t always perfect.

In my opinion, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with always trying to improve. That’s a lot of what the Coffee, Grit, and Inspiration website is about, is recognizing areas in our lives that aren’t serving us well, and seeing if we can make them better, seeing if we can do things differently. I don’t think that that is bad. 

I think that when someone is really trying to improve themselves, they are focused on themselves. They’re improving themselves for themselves, and not for others. Somebody that has an unhealthy desire for perfectionism is focused on what other people think of them, or how they are perceived. And so it’s more “other-facing” than “self-facing”.

I think the problem also comes when we beat ourselves up, so rather than look at a failure and say, “Okay, well, I could have done that differently,” or, “Okay, you know, here’s some things I need to try harder at”, we tell ourselves we’re stupid, or that “how could we have thought that that would work” or “we’re never going to be able to do this.” And those are negative thoughts that come from an unhealthy perfectionism.

In a fixed mindset, people think that intelligence and talent are fixed, meaning, “if I’m not good at something now, I’ll never be good at it, so why even try?” A perfect example is drawing. I just did my “About Me” video, and one of the things I said in it is, “I’m not good at drawing.” And, I’m not really. It’s not that I don’t think I ever could be, I think that if I put the time and effort into practicing – a lot – I could get better, I could improve. 

But there are people, and sometimes maybe this is even me, or you, where they don’t believe that practice can make you better, that if you’re not naturally gifted, that you’ll never get better. And the problem with that, is that no one is born knowing everything, no one is born knowing how to drive, no one’s born knowing how to walk, no one’s born knowing how to talk, those are things you learn as you grow. And that doesn’t stop when you’re a kid, it doesn’t stop when you grow up, that you stop learning or that you stop learning new skills and abilities. 

So when you find yourself thinking, “I’m too stupid,” or “I’m not good at this, I’ll never be good at this, and so why even try”, remember that you can learn those things, you can get better, you can improve. It takes hard work and it takes effort, but you can do it. And that means that anything is possible. Anything is possible if you try hard enough. 

• Really, the fixed mindset is characterized by a fear of failure, and I think that is what drives us to want to be perfect. 
• “If we can’t be perfect, then we’re not going to try.”
• “If we can’t do it just exactly right on the first time, then why even bother?”
• “If we fail, what will other people think?”

Another problem with perfectionism is that it narrows your vision. You’re so focused on getting this thing perfect, that you don’t ever move on. I see this at work a lot, and I’ve done this myself. One of the things that we do in my job is software, software development. And I can see it in myself where sometimes I’ll get to the point where, we have a requirements document or something, and I am trying to tweak it to make it perfect rather than recognize: we’re good where we are, we can move on, and let’s keep going so that we can continue to make progress, as opposed to getting stuck in this “tweaking” mode and never actually getting anywhere.

So what do we do about it? When you find that you are stuck in perfectionism, or stuck in trying to be perfect, and you can’t seem to break out of it and it’s stressing you out, and you’re worried about failing, what are some of the things that you can try?

And I’ve got a few strategies, but one thing I would caution is…I see this when I go on Pinterest, or do a Google search and I see all these sites that are “Let go of perfectionism – today!” or “5 strategies to instantly get rid of perfectionism” and it’s just not going to happen that way. I think it’s important to understand that all of these things that we talk about on the Coffee, Grit, and Inspiration blog and in the podcast and other things: none of this is a quick fix. It’s not something where you read these five things, or you read this article and your life is changed and now you’re a different person. 

Change takes time, and especially the older you get, the longer you’ve been doing these things, the harder those habits are to break. So go into it with those expectations, that this is going to take time, it’s going to take effort, and you’re going to have to try. But, the rewards will be great, because you’ll have less stress, less anxiety, you’ll feel happier, and those are all important things to strive for, in my opinion. 

 So here’s what I’ve found, as ways we can try to avoid that need for perfectionism. 

The first is, work it like you like yourself. And this is a saying from a lot of programs, but basically, fake it till you make it. If you don’t believe a lot of the stuff that we’re saying, like it’s okay to fail, and it’s okay for people to see you fail, if you don’t really believe that, pretend like you do. Fake it till you make it. Pretend like you do, and someday it will be true. 

Give yourself permission to make mistakes. I know it sounds a little bit weird to say something out loud to yourself like, “It’s okay, try again”. And maybe you don’t have to say it out loud to yourself, maybe it’s a conversation you have internally, or maybe something you write down in your journal, whatever it is, just recognize that no one – NO ONE – is perfect. You’re not going to be perfect. You’ll never be perfect! And rather than let that get you down, and make you feel discouraged, use it as a way to say “Okay, I’m not going to be perfect, and that’s okay. And I can still make progress, I can still make changes, I can still have success even if I’m not perfect.”

Be kind to yourself. We’ve talked a lot, especially over the last couple weeks on the Coffee Grit and Inspiration blog, about self compassion. And that has to do with how you treat yourself, and treating yourself as kindly as you would treat somebody else. 

Why treat yourself worse than you might a friend? If a friend came to you and said, “Oh man, I really messed this up, this is so terrible and I just don’t think I can go on, you know, I don’t know how I can recover from this,” you wouldn’t say, “Oh yeah, you’re right, you totally suck”. You would encourage them. Imagine yourself, in that same situation, what would you say to yourself? “It’s okay, you’ll be okay.” And try to say that stuff to yourself, instead of “oh man, you’re so stupid and you suck”. Just practice talking to yourself like you would talk to somebody else that needed encouragement. 

Also recognize where it’s coming from. This need for perfection is not the same as a desire to improve yourself. It’s where you punish yourself for not being “perfect” – and I’m using “perfect” in quotes because there’s really no way – I don’t believe there’s ever such thing as “perfection”. There’s always a way to improve, there’s always a way to be different, there’s always a way to make something even better than it was before, which means there is no such thing as perfection. So why beat yourself up by chasing after something that is never going to happen?

Realize that perfectionism, it’s a desire to please others, instead of pleasing yourself. If you’re trying to make other people happy, and make other people think well of you, you’re not trying to improve yourself, you’re trying to please other people. And really, it doesn’t matter. I know it’s easy to say, but it doesn’t matter what other people think. It matters what YOU think. And there’s a difference between setting a high bar for yourself and setting a high standard for yourself, and beating yourself up because other people might see you fail. There’s very different things there. 

And then, challenge your views. Rather than just accept what you’re thinking about yourself, really interrogate your brain. 

• Why do I feel this way?
• Why am I beating myself up?
• Why am I ashamed? What am I ashamed of?
• Why am I blaming myself for this thing?

Really dig down into why do I have so much negativity towards my attempts to get better? And why am I blaming myself for not being perfect? Make yourself show yourself the evidence that you’re not great.

All of this ties into self-compassion, and that is, again, self compassion is not sitting on the couch eating ice cream when you feel bad, or taking a bubble bath. Although those are great strategies for self care, self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you would treat someone else. 

Let that sink in for a second, think about all the kinds of things that you say to yourself in a day, and how many of those things are something that you would never say to somebody else. Something that you would never say to a friend that was going through a tough time. And try to think about why you say things to yourself that are way worse than anything you’d say to somebody else. 

If you’d like more resources about that, please visit us on coffeegritandinspiration.com and you can sign up for the mailing list at coffeegritandinspiration.com/subscription. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week, and I will talk to you on the next podcast. Bye now!