8 Ways To Stop Over-Apologizing

Hi everyone! Today I’m talking about the habit of apologizing, why we do it, what happens when we do, and some ideas for how to stop over-apologizing. This is actually probably worth several blog posts (and/or podcasts!), but alas – I only have this one for you today. I think it’s probably fair to say that many of us have a habit of apologizing far too often. If you’re anything like me, you apologize when someone bumps into you, for interrupting someone for a meeting they scheduled with you, to express empathy, and even apologizing for apologizing!

Here’s an example: I’m waiting for my coffee. In front of me is a hoverer – you know the type, the ones whose drink isn’t ready yet but they think the closer they are to the barista, the faster the coffee will get made? Anyway, they finally get their drink and turn away from the counter, and walk right into me. And I apologize. “Oh, sorry about that!”

Or how about when my boss schedules a meeting with me, I go to her office (on time!) and when I enter, I say, “Sorry for interrupting.”

Or when my husband is venting about his day, and I tell him “I’m sorry you had a bad day”. Worse yet, I catch myself apologizing…then apologize for apologizing too much.

This habit of apologizing – when we’re not at fault, didn’t do anything wrong – is many times unconscious. But what is the impression we are leaving for others when we do this? And how do we stop it?

Why Do We Apologize?

There are a wide variety of theories proposed about why we over-apologize. Some sources say that it’s a result of a high sense of compassion for others, or a result of an abusive relationship. Others say it could be a result of having low self-esteem, as if the apologist thinks they don’t have a right to exist. For me, I find that I usually apologize in an attempt to mend or improve a relationship in some way, even if just with the hoverer at the coffee shop. It could also have to do with being polite. Many of us have had politeness hammered into our heads for so long that a common way of acknowledging rudeness, or smoothing it over, is to apologize. 

In my super-scientific, highly-analytical research (/sarcasm), mostly based on my own experiences and those close to me, there are several types of apologetic statements. 

1. The “sorry not sorry” apology. This is where someone is apologizing, but doesn’t really mean it, and slaps an apology on their statement to make a point. Think statements like, “I’m sorry, but…” or “I’m sorry you feel that way”. The reality is: they’re not sorry. They say “sorry” in order to be sarcastic or to make the point that they don’t really feel like they should have to apologize. 
2. The empathetic apology. This is when someone is going through something, big or small, and we say “I’m sorry” as a way of trying to connect and hopefully lessen their pain, frustration, or sense of loss.
3. The aggrieved apology. This is, again, when someone doesn’t really believe they are at fault – but is apologizing because CLEARLY the other person doesn’t realize how much THEY (the apologizer) are really the wronged party. I catch myself doing this all the time. For example, when I’m head down working or writing or something, and I miss something someone said – I get frustrated, but I apologize like I had no right to be focused on something else. It’s a super passive-aggressive way of venting my frustration on someone.
4. The heartfelt apology. This is a real apology – someone has done something wrong, wants to apologize, and truly make it right. The key with this is that the person is in the wrong and is acknowledging that. It also carries a desire to heal the relationship and do better in the future. 
5. The “I’ll take it” apology. This is when someone apologizes even when they know they’re not at fault. This is one of the worst kinds of apologies because they do it in order to keep the peace. You see this in abusive relationships sometimes – where the abused will apologize in an attempt to appease the abuser, even when they are not at fault. This is also the “polite” apology. Like when the hoverer bumps into me – I apologize because it’s an easy, reflexive way to be polite.
6. The “need reassurance” apology. This is where someone apologizes, even when they did nothing wrong, in hopes the person they are speaking to will reassure them that they did, in fact, do nothing wrong. For example, if I wasn’t sure if I did well in a presentation, I might say “I’m sorry, that was so terrible” in hopes that someone might say, “No, you did a great job!”

What Happens When We Apologize

In my mind, there are two results that occur when we apologize. First, we are (consciously or not) accepting the blame for something. I say blame, which is different than fault. Second, the person we are apologizing to is now in a position of power. 

Sometimes, that’s OK. When we do something wrong, especially in a relationship, part of being a good human is to acknowledge that. In a healthy relationship, both parties may apologize, each for their part. This is a heartfelt apology, and if you really mean it, you’ll try harder to avoid doing the thing you had to apologize for again. 

But When We Over-Apologize…

When we over-apologize, however, we are not just exercising a reflexive habit, we are constantly giving away our power. Worse, when we apologize for everything, it’s hard for the people to whom we’re apologizing to actually believe that we are sorry when we really do mean it.

Another thing that can happen when we over-apologize is that we frustrate those around us by trying to take accountability for something that is not our fault. When my husband hears me apologize, he sometimes gets exasperated, saying “Why are you apologizing? It’s not YOUR fault!”

An Example

One thing I do all the time that I am really trying hard to stop is interrupting people. I’m in meetings all day, every day, and sometimes it is really hard not to jump in and say what I’ve got to say. Not only am I setting a poor example, but most of the time I will apologize before talking – “Sorry to interrupt, but…” or I will start to talk, cut someone off, then offer profuse apologies for interrupting. The people listening to me have to wonder if I really am sorry, because I keep doing it. 

Another Example

When I walk into my boss’s office, for a meeting she scheduled with me, and the first thing I say is “sorry to interrupt”, I’m sending the message that I don’t really think I belong there. I come across as un-self-assured and tentative, which doesn’t do much for her image of me as a professional.

Specifically for Women

A study published by Psychological Science showed that women don’t necessarily have a higher offense-to-apology ratio than men. What women typically do is feel like they have more things to apologize for. This article has some really interesting insights on that. The thing is, that when women apologize too much, they are crippling themselves. They are allowing others to see them as lacking self-confidence, or having low self-esteem.

In the workplace especially, women who over-apologize can come off as being submissive. This can lead to missed opportunities for promotion or increased responsibility. Not good, if what you want is for people to see you as the thoughtful, assertive leader that you are!

So How Do (Any of Us) Stop Over-Apologizing?

The first step is to increase your awareness of how often you’re apologizing. Pay attention specifically when you’re not at fault, and why you’re doing it. Do some real self-reflection into the reasons behind your apologies, referencing the types of apologies above if that helps. I’m going to do these exercises with you! I bet we find that we’re apologizing way more than we realize. 

Once we’re tuned into how often we’re apologizing, are more aware of it when we do, and are more aware of WHY we do it, I am challenging us to try these strategies to work on when trying to stop over-apologizing.

Eight Strategies To Stop Over-Apologizing

1. “Thank you.” Instead of apologizing for making someone move out of the way, just say “thank you”. Likewise, when you’re a few minutes late for a meeting, instead of saying “Sorry I’m late”, just say “Thank you for waiting”. Looking at the times you’ve apologized in a day, how often could you have conveyed what you wanted to express by just saying “thank you” instead? The person you thank will appreciate that a heck of a lot more than an automated apology, and you’ll be putting yourself in a more positive frame of mind, too.
2. Take a beat. Before automatically apologizing, try to pause for a second and ask yourself if you really believe you did something wrong. And if not, do you really want to give people the impression that you do?
3. Just listen. When we apologize for someone else’s feelings, frustration, or loss, we may be trying to express empathy for what they’re going through. Remember, though, it’s not your job to provide a response or make things better for that person. Sometimes, they may just need to vent or express what they are feeling. They don’t need and probably don’t want you to apologize for that.
4. Ask For feedback. If you’re apologizing because you hope someone will reassure you, why not just ask for feedback? Instead of a preemptive apology, which burdens the other person with the responsibility of making you feel better, just ask them for their honest opinion. “How did I do?” is much easier to respond to than “I’m sorry, I’m so terrible.” Plus, remember negative self-talk! By apologizing instead of asking someone for their feedback, you’re reinforcing the negative message not only with that person, but with yourself.
5. “Oops!” Instead of apologizing when someone bumps into you, just say “Oops!”, “excuse me!” or even smile and say nothing at all. It has the same effect, AND you’re not taking the blame for someone else’s clumsiness.
6. Be silent. When you’re saying “I’m sorry” just to have something to say, try saying nothing. When I interrupt someone by accident, I could just say “Oops, go ahead” and then stop talking. If I find myself apologizing because I feel awkward not saying anything, I am going to try to get comfortable with the silence instead.
7. Never say “I’m sorry, but…”. The “but” in this statement is a clear indicator that you are, in fact, not sorry. Saying this is not only potentially hurtful to the person you say it to, but it’s so clearly false that they will likely not hear whatever comes next. Just be direct and ask for what you want, without apology.
8. Remember an apology won’t always make it better. If you’re in an abusive relationship, I can tell you from experience that no matter how much you apologize, your abuser will not suddenly wake up and realize that you really are sorry and they should treat you better. All it does is continue to reinforce that person’s opinion that they are in the right, and you are wrong. If you are in this situation, please seek help to get out of the situation instead of repeatedly apologizing in hopes the situation will change. 

#Sorrynotsorry

This is a lot to practice! Remember that you’re not trying to eliminate “I’m sorry” from your vocabulary. You’re not just replacing “sorry” with “I apologize”. You’re trying to identify the reasons why you over-apologize, your common triggers for over-apologizing, and you’re trying to save the “sorries” for when you really mean them. 

I hope this was helpful! Thank you for reading all the way to the end! (Notice how I managed to avoid apologizing for the length of this article? Win! #sorrynotsorry!).

If you’d like more on this topic, I found a ton of great articles in the course of my research. You are more than welcome to check them out! Till next time!

• Why Girls Apologize Too Much | Child Mind Institute
• How Women Can Stop Apologizing and Take Their Power Back | Forbes
• Women Really Do Apologize More Than Men (And It Has Nothing To Do With Men Refusing to Admit Wrongdoing) | Inc.
• Over Apologizing for Everything? 5 Ways To Stop Saying “Sorry” So Much | Law of Attraction
• Stop Apologizing: 10 Alternative Approaches to “I’m Sorry” | Forbes
• Want To Be More Empathetic? Avoid These 7 Responses | Laura Click