Dianne WhitfordEmpathy is a complex topic! Today will be an introduction to empathy and then we will dig more into it in the following weeks. At its simplest, empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of someone else. This definition just scratches the surface though. Empathy is a way of deepening our connections with other people and creating ways for others to feel what they feel and express it in a safe, compassionate place. It can help you respond to situations instead of react. It also is not about “fixing others’ feelings”, or taking responsibility for those feelings.
I found a lot of great, great resources on this topic as I was researching for today’s post. One of my favorites is a website called Heartmanity, and their blog “Thoughts to Thrive On”. Some additional resources are linked at the bottom of this post.
Over the next few weeks, we will look at empathy in more depth. For today, I wanted to share some high level information about empathy and how it can help you and those around you.
Empathy Leads To Beautiful Things
I think the first and most important thing to understand about empathy is that it isn’t about you. It’s about the person you’re interacting with and listening to. Because of this, it has a profound impact on that other person. When you are able to listen with empathy to what someone else is going through, that person feels heard.
More than that, they feel like they are not alone, and that someone “gets” them. This means that they feel more connected to you, and your relationship with them deepens as a result. When someone is listened to with empathy, their emotions can calm down, their defenses drop, and they feel more understood and peaceful.
Having empathy can make you a better leader, coworker, partner, family member, and friend. When you listen with empathy and create a safe space for someone to feel whatever it is they feel, some truly beautiful connections can be born, and wonderful things can happen.
What Empathy Looks Like When You’re Doing It
If you’re like me, you might think you’re being empathetic when really you’re being sympathetic. What I discovered when digging into what empathy is, that while there’s a time and place for sympathy, empathy looks a little different.
When you’re responding with empathy, you are mirroring the other person’s emotions (accurately), expressing understanding, and not sharing your own judgements or opinions. Another key element of expressing empathy is that you’re not reacting to whatever the other person is saying – instead you are listening and thinking of how the other person feels, and responding to that. You’re addressing, talking to, and understanding the feelings underneath what they are saying. You’re expressing compassion rather than pity or sorrow for the person or situation.
The good news is that empathy can be practiced! You can grow your empathetic skills just like you can grow other skills, even if you think you completely lack empathy today. You can be empathetic without taking responsibility for others’ feelings, or taking on their emotions as your own. Over the next few weeks, we will look at ways to develop your empathy and other skills that will help you become more empathetic.
Skills Related to Empathy
In order to be empathetic to others, we need to be aware of our own emotions, and not let our own emotions and feelings get in the way of truly understanding someone else’s emotions. Understanding our own feelings also helps us be aware of others’ feelings in a more immediate way. Having a strong sense of self helps us experience the emotions of others without feeling like we have to take on those emotions ourselves. Listening with engagement and focus is a big part of being empathetic. We need to be able to set aside our own judgements in favor of really understanding what’s happening with someone else.
Self-awareness, sense of self, and active listening are all skills that can be worked on. I mean it! These are not things that some people are born with and others aren’t. Developing these skills and using them when responding to others will help you be more empathetic.
How Sympathy Isn’t Quite Empathy
“Empathy vs Sympathy: What’s the Difference?” by Jennifer A. Williams on the Heartmanity website has some great examples to show the differences between empathy and sympathy. Where empathy mirrors emotions back to the person you’re talking to, sympathy expresses your emotions, your opinions, your judgements. If you’ve ever said, “I’m sorry, that sucks,” you’re probably expressing sympathy instead of empathy. If you’ve said something like, “It just breaks my heart to see you this way”, then you’re likely expressing sympathy instead of empathy.
“I’m sorry, that sucks” expresses sorrow for the situation, and your judgement. It won’t calm the other person down or de-escalate the situation. Also, as the article linked above mentions, it’s kind of dismissive. “It just breaks my heart…” talks about your agony and your feelings.
Plus, as we’ve talked about in the podcast and blog before, no one is served (especially not you!) by you expressing apologies for something that isn’t your responsibility or your job to fix. Instead, what if you responded with something like “That must be so frustrating. Are you feeling hurt?” (Or something along those lines)? A response like this expresses empathy instead. While not always the right response for every situation, something like that expresses curiosity instead of assumptions, and acknowledges the person’s potential feelings that underlie what they’re saying about the situation.
As you can see, the topic of empathy is a complex and layered thing. I’m excited to explore it in the upcoming weeks!
In the meantime, check out these great articles:
- The 3 Types of Empathy | Enid R. Spitz | Heartmanity
- What Is Empathy and Why Is It Important | Jennifer A. Williams | Heartmanity
- Brene Brown on Empathy vs. Sympathy | Kate Thieda | Psychology Today
- 7 Intricate Differences Between Empathy and Sympathy | Lifehack
- Empathy vs. Sympathy: What’s The Difference? | Jennifer A. Williams | Heartmanity
Over to You
What do you struggle the most with in terms of empathy? What ways do you think empathy would help you as a leader, or a partner, or as a friend? Are there areas in your life today that you think could be repaired or improved if you practiced more empathy? Share in comments!
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