CBP S1E4: The Effects of Overapologizing

When we apologize, it should be because we legitimately did something wrong. When we apologize for things that aren’t our fault or have nothing to do with us, we are undermining ourselves and giving others a poor perception of us. In this episode, I talk about the negative effects of overapologizing, especially on ourselves and those around us.

Articles referenced in the episode:

• 8 Ways to Stop Over-Apologizing

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Transcript

One of the things that I love, love, love about the work that I’m doing with Coffee, Grit, and Inspiration and some of my other sites is that I get to learn about things that I never really paid attention to before. So I definitely don’t have all the answers for everything, and that is one of the things that I love most, is that as I’m curating content to share with you, hopefully, and others that read the blog and listen to the podcast, I’m learning too. And that is such an important thing for me. A perfect example is recently I did a blog post about apologizing. Apologizing too much. I knew that I did it, I knew that it was a problem, I didn’t really think about it, and I didn’t realize how much I do it. 

But I’m just going to let you know that today, I:

• Had a doctor’s appointment. And I was waiting in the waiting room and the nurse was talking to me, and I didn’t realize she was talking to me, and I apologized to her. 
• I apologized to the dog, for not taking him with me when I left the house
• I apologized to the cat for moving her off my chair
• I did a snarky apology, for example, “I’m sorry I wasn’t clear”, in an email I sent to somebody to make a point
• When I was in my doctor’s appointment, and she was checking to see where this abdominal pain I was having was, she thought it was on one side, it was on the other side, I apologized for that.
• I said “sorry” that I wasn’t in front of my computer when I was on a meeting earlier in the day
• I apologized for being late to a meeting
• I apologized for interrupting somebody

I just basically, in short, I apologized for way more things in the day than I could even control, that I was at fault for, or that I really needed to. 

And I think that we do this unconsciously, right? It’s like a habit. You just like, someone says please, you say thank you, you say you’re welcome, you know, whatever it is, you do something, and you apologize. And it seems harmless. But the problem is, I think especially in the workplace, is that the people we talk to, and the people we are apologizing to, are forming an impression of us as we do that. And whether that impression is conscious or subconscious, they’re still receiving clues from us that influence how they think about us, and that influences how they treat us. Whether we get that promotion that we’re looking for, whether we get that increased responsibility that we want, all of those things have to do with how we’re perceived.

As I started to look at all these examples, in all of the cases except for the snarky apology, I did it because I felt guilty. And that was a little bit of an eye-opener for me, and maybe this is kind of, everybody listening is like, “duh! That’s obvious” but I did it because I felt guilty, and it really amazed me the number of things that I feel guilt about. And I think that when it comes to guilt, a lot of us feel guilt maybe because of our religious background, or because our parents, or just because that’s the way we are, is we just feel guilty for everything, but I think that’s what leads to most of the apologies that I make, is that I feel guilty for some reason. Guilty for taking up someone’s time, guilty for bumping them when I’m trying to get past them, guilty because I was late and I made them wait, any of those types of things, I feel guilty. And while I think guilt is an important feeling, because it’s an indicator that we did something wrong, and I’m not advocating that we stop feeling guilty, or we stop apologizing, I’m just advocating that we really think about, “is this worth feeling guilty over?”, “is this worth apologizing for?”

We really need to learn the difference between something legitimately making us feel like we did something wrong, and unnecessary guilt that leads us to apologize for things that we have no control over, or that are not even at fault for. 

We also need to understand the impact when our guilt or whatever it is that we’re feeling, leads us to make all these apologies. And the impact that I see, in the people that I work with and people that I’m seeing their reaction to me, is that they form the impression that I’m not self-assured, I’m not self-confident, I have low self-esteem. And I portray myself that way, like that’s how I think about myself, so other people mirror that when they interact with me. I don’t think I’m worth it; they don’t think I’m worth it. I don’t think I’m assured; they don’t see me as assured. I don’t think I belong here; they don’t think I belong here. And it’s because of what I think about myself, that they also start to think about me. And worse! They start to believe those things! So not only will they pick up on the fact that I don’t think I should be here, or I don’t really belong, or my opinions don’t matter, they will start to believe that I don’t belong there, or that my opinions don’t matter. And that can cause a lot of damage to your reputation, to your career. When you’re in the workplace, you might get passed over for promotions, people don’t consider you as a viable candidate, because you don’t have the assurance that’s needed, you don’t have the confidence or the strength that’s needed. 

Because while apologizing is not a weakness, apologizing does not make you weak, acknowledging that you did something wrong does not make you weak, apologizing for everything, can.

The point I’m trying to make is, paying attention to how much you’re apologizing, and making sure that what you’re apologizing for is worth it, making those apologies heartfelt, is what’s going to change people’s perception of you, or keep their good perception of you.

I think it’s important to reiterate too, that all of this is not to say that you should never apologize. I don’t want anybody to get that impression that I’m saying don’t apologize for things. Or that you should get rid of the word “sorry” from your vocabulary. None of that is what I’m trying to say. 

Hopefully, we all understand that when you do something wrong, you need to apologize. When you do something wrong, and you hurt someone else, you need to apologize. All I’m saying is, we need to recalibrate what we consider wrong. Recalibrate what we consider wrong. And don’t apologize for trivial things that people don’t really care about. If you apologize, make it mean something. Make it come from the heart. Make it be heartfelt, so that people take it seriously.

And if you’re really apologizing, then stop doing the thing! Whatever it is you’re apologizing for, if you keep doing it, the apology didn’t mean anything. And that means all your apologies don’t mean anything to that person. 

A perfect example is, I have the worst habit of interrupting people. I work from home, and I’m on the phone a lot. And it can be difficult sometimes to know that someone is about to say something, people talk at the same time, but there’s also the part where, I’m so excited and so into the point that I want to make, or the statement that I want to add to the conversation, that I am not listening to what the other people are saying. I’m just listening for my turn to talk. And sometimes I can’t wait, and I jump in and I interrupt, and then I almost always “oh, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry to interrupt”. And by now, the people listening to me have to be thinking to themselves, “obviously she doesn’t mean it, because she keeps doing it!” 

So, I need to do two things. One, I need to stop interrupting people, and practice my active listening much better, and I need to stop apologizing when I do it. Because the apology doesn’t mean anything at this point. I continue to do it, I am working on it, but when I keep apologizing, it stops meaning anything to the people that are listening to me. 

Another thing, that I think women particularly, although I am sure there are men that feel this way as well, is they apologize for their feelings. Or even for existing. And the problem – there’s so many problems with that, but – one of the ones, that’s probably relevant for today, is that when you’re apologizing for something, you’re acknowledging that you are to blame. And if you think about that, you’re acknowledging that you are to blame not only to the person to the person that you’re talking to, but also to yourself. When you think about self-talk, and all the stuff we’ve talked about in self talk, and things like that – if you tell yourself often enough that you are to blame for something, and you’re at fault, you’ll start to believe it. And so will that person. 

The other thing that happens when you apologize for your feelings is that you invalidate them. You’re apologizing for them like they never should have happened. Or they were a mistake. And that will lead you to believe that you’re not allowed to have feelings in the first place. 

The reality is that people are going to feel what they feel. You are going to feel what you feel. You’re not obligated to apologize to anyone for how you feel. The actions you take as a result of those feelings, you owe people apologies, depending on how you act, but the feelings themselves are not something that you have to apologize for. 

Recognize that you’re worthy. Allow yourself to have your feelings, not apologize for them. Give others the respect of not giving them apologies that don’t mean anything, or aren’t from the heart. 

If you’d like to read more about this, I did post a blog about it on the Coffee, Grit, and Inspiration site, I’ll put the link in the description. 

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I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful wonderful week, and I’ll talk to you next week! Bye now!