Heather AbbeHi everyone! Dianne here. Heather Abbe will be writing a guest post on Coffee, Grit, and Inspiration on Fridays. She is one of my favorite people and has such an awesome and uplifting story to tell. I hope you appreciate and love her as much as I do. Enjoy!
We live in a throw-away society. When your phone breaks, you buy a new one. When your television goes on the fritz, you rush to the big-box store and replace it as soon as you can. But what can you do when you feel like your life is shattered and broken? How can you move past the wreckage and pick up the pieces?
I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen any sales on new lives!
I’m here to tell you that fixing the broken feeling in your life isn’t easy, but it is worthwhile and doable. What’s the secret, you ask? One word: forgiveness. Let me take a quick second and tell you a little of my personal story.
In my teens and twenties, I was in an abusive relationship and hopelessly addicted to drugs. I had no job, no place to live and no chance. I was broken. In my mind, there was only one person to blame for all my problems.
Me.
When I came to the end of the road I was traveling in my life, I quickly realized that all the signs said, “Dead End”. I knew that I had to change not just one thing, but change everything. The idea was overwhelming to me. How do I change my essential me?
Begin at the Beginning
First things first, I reached out for help. If you are struggling with brokenness in your life, reach out! I saw a therapist, went to support groups and actually tried to take the help that was offered to me. Not everything worked out the way I wanted it to, but a lot of the things that I tried did make it different. Different wasn’t always better, but nothing I tried was worse than where I started from.
The most important thing that I think I learned is that you can start over whenever you want to. Sometimes I still start over a couple times a day, depending on what’s overwhelming me at that time.
Different wasn’t always better, but nothing I tried was worse than where I started from.
Practicing “starting over” is hard at first. For some reason, the human mind is hard-wired to think starting over equals failure, and failure is bad.
The thing to remember is, no success ever happened without failure: The two go hand in hand. Dianne talks about failing like a champ on this blog, you can check it out here.
So, here’s what I would say to myself every time I felt like I needed a do over: “There’s no shame in starting over, the shame is in the giving up.”
This gave me permission to start again, and I also forgave myself for my previous failure. It was just a try, and I could try again.
Doing the Dang Thing
Once I started being okay with failure, mine and other people’s, I could take some suggestions. Boy, did I ever. I realized early on that everything I tried in my active addiction had lead to heartache, so it was definitely time to let someone else take the wheel.
The thought of changing was daunting. I didn’t always have faith in the suggestions I was given, but I took them anyways, doing them to the best of my ability. Sometimes, I didn’t believe in the process, but I did the dang thing anyway.
Doing the dang thing means giving it your best try, regardless of how you think it’s going to come out. It means deciding to believe in the outcome, instead of finding reasons why it “won’t work”.
Acceptance and Forgiveness
Now for the biggie, and this part is the hardest.
Forgive.
Forgive yourself that piece of cake you ate while on a diet. For making a decision at work that was the wrong choice. Forgive yourself your failures. Keep forgiving yourself, even when you think it’s justifiably your fault.
We all fail! Everyone does. What we think we know about forgiveness is that it’s a “free pass”, and that if we forgive ourselves or others, they/we are free to commit the same mistake again. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
What we’re really suffering from in an inability to accept the failure as a sign that it’s time to try something else. I know that I become attached to a way of thinking about something, that those ideas define who I am. But it just isn’t true! We are not defined by our thoughts and beliefs, but by our actions. If you have the wrong tool for the job, you go back to the tool box and try another tool!
What we think we know about forgiveness is that it’s a “free pass”, and that if we forgive ourselves or others, they/we are free to commit the same mistake again. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Forgiveness of self is the glue to the broken-ness in my life. When I’m finally ready to stop sulking about how I’ve failed, I’m free to accept that I didn’t succeed, and try a new tactic. I found that in reality, I was angry at myself for allowing the circumstances of my prior failures to even happen in the first place, as if I was in control of all things at all times. I’m not. You’re not. We can only control so much.
You can start this process of forgiveness right now. Say to yourself, “I love you. This isn’t working, and I give you permission to try something else.” You can do this as many times as you need to.
I think most important thing about forgiveness that I learned in my life is that it’s a process, not an event. You may have to forgive yourself for the same thing many times. It’s okay. You’re not failing at failing, you’re practicing acceptance and forgiveness. It’s called “practicing” for a reason. No one is good at it, at first.
End of story
So, what have I learned from failing spectacularly? It’s okay, it’s normal, and it’s necessary. Everybody does it, and even though we may be broken people, we are not without a chance for redemption. Every day brings another chance to start over.
I took the chance and changed everything, little by little. My life is so different for it. I love me. She’s a pretty cool person. She’s now the step-mom of three beautiful girls, and in a healthy relationship with her husband. She is actively working every day to be the best that she can be. She’s doing the dang thing.
I still fail, all the time. But, I give myself permission to.
Give yourself permission to accept your shortcomings and try a different tack with the issues that are plaguing you in your life. Use the glue of forgiveness to pick up the pieces and mend the broken life you feel like you’re living. And remember to practice, practice, and then practice some more. I believe in you, go on and do the dang thing, already. Until next time!
Links for those looking for help
If you are in an unsafe situation, domestic violence or otherwise, you can click on the links below and begin the process of asking for help.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Hotline 1-800-662-HELP
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Broken phone photo credit: Njaminjami
Dead End photo credit: Benny Lin
Pen photo credit: Ramunas Geciauskas
Dianne Whitford
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