How to Build Resilience In The Face of Grief

I have suffered some adversity in my life, including death and loss. Grief isn’t easy to process, somewhat due to the way society views grief in general. Today I want to talk about grief, and how if we can build resilience to help us deal with it, we can come back from it a little more easily.

What Constitutes Grief?

What can be causing you to feel grief in your life? Is it only a death of a loved one that will cause feelings of grief? Not at all. Grief is the sense of loss you feel due to a change in your life. It can be grieving a marriage, a home, or even feeling loss after giving up an addiction. You can feel grief from something as simple as losing a job.

Trauma isn’t universal, either. People process grief caused by lots of different life events. What may be traumatic for one person isn’t a yardstick to measure what may be traumatic to you. So, just because you don’t feel grief the same way someone else does in a similar situation, you can give yourself a break. You process the way you process, and it’s okay!

The Five Stages of Grief

So, I’m sure if you’ve ever experienced any sort of grief, someone has pointed out to you the Five Stages of Grief. The five stages of grief is an idea advanced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She states that most people go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance during their grieving process. But this isn’t a hard and fast rule. People may go through the stages over and over before reaching some level of acceptance. You also may not experience all these stages, not experience them in order, or even not experience them at all.

There are also physical symptoms of grief as well. Unusual weight loss or gain, fatigue, nausea, body aches, and a lowered immune system are just some of the issues you can expect to deal with as a result of a loss. So, if these are all things that can be felt as a result of grief, why do we beat ourselves up and try to hurry the grieving process along?

Myths about Grief

Because of the way we are encouraged by society in general to not process our grief, I feel that it compounds the sense of loss and separation from others that we experience during the grieving process. Some commonly held myths about grief are:

• Ignoring it will make it go away.
• You need to be strong.
• Crying is only acceptable for women.
• Moving on means you’ve recovered from your grief.

These are just some of the myths we hold about grief, but they are just that, myths. Not true. How you feel about your loss, regardless of your personal circumstances, is valid. You feel however you feel about it at that given moment. And it’s okay.

How to Build Resilience in the Face of Grief

So, how do we begin to get some relief from the physical and emotional pain that grief causes? What can we do to facilitate healing in a healthy way? Here are some ways that you can use to build resilience by leaning.

• Lean on me – Turn to family and friends in times of need. Lean on your support group in times of turmoil. That’s what they want you to do. They love and value you as a person, and are more than willing to be there for you. You aren’t a burden just because you’re hurting inside.
• Lean on your faith – We talked about faith last week, and reaching out to your Higher Power in troubling times is what faith is for. Speak to a clergy person in your faith, reach out to fellow members that worship with you, and embrace the rituals that give peace.
• Lean on your community – Many communities have support groups that will help you deal with grieving different losses, and grieving in general. Joining a support group can help you see that you’re not alone in the grief and feelings you’re experiencing.
• Lean on a professional – If you feel that you’re having difficulties dealing with loss in your life, there is no shame in talking to a professional therapist to help you pick your way through. We all need help. Get the help you need however you can.

The Box, the Ball, and the Button

The best analogy I have ever heard about dealing with grief was explained to me by my husband when we were dealing with the death of his brother. My husband said if you imagine that your heart is a box, with a button on one side that triggers pain. Grief is like when someone places a ball inside the box. As you move through life, different events – triggers – will cause the ball to depress the button.

For as long as you live, the ball (the grief) is never removed. Those feelings of loss don’t dissipate completely. Don’t even expect that some day the ball will be gone. What will happen though, is one day the ball of grief will be a little smaller, and a little smaller. Less often will the button causing pain be depressed. We make progress in little ways, and begin to move closer to acceptance, a little at a time.

Moving Towards Acceptance

While the road to getting peace and feeling some acceptance can be a long one, don’t get discouraged. We all process feelings in our own ways, due to our environment and our own inner resiliency. By leaning on those around you, you can make progress in little ways every day.

What are some ways you have dealt with grief? What has worked for you? Please share your experiences, strengths and hopes below. Until next time!