Growth Mindsets and Relationships

Did you ever watch a Disney movie and think, “Happily ever after is a relationship goal!”? I know as a kid, I wished for my Prince Charming to come sweep me off of my feet. What my life experience has taught me is, that this isn’t reality. Relationships don’t just improve themselves. They can change, they can improve. There is a connection between a growth mindset and a healthy, happy relationship.

I thought I kissed a lot of frogs on my way to my prince. But what was really going on with each “frog”, was a lack of growth mindset in the relationship. Sometimes on my part, sometimes on his, either way we would break up. Why? because neither of us could change our way of thinking about ourselves and relationship. If it wasn’t perfect right out of the gate, one of us would give up before trying to work on our problems – real, 100% committed trying to work together on our problems.

What could be if we could change the way we think about relationships? Could both parties working together create a lasting, loving relationship? If the partners adopt a growth mindset, this is within your grasp.

First, let’s look for a bit at the fixed mindset. Dianne wrote a post earlier this week about fixed mindsets that’s a great introduction to the idea.

Fixed Mindsets and Relationships

As we know, those with fixed mindsets are stuck. Stuck in their way of thinking and, many times, stuck in the same relationship patterns. People with fixed mindsets don’t work on relationships, they expect that the relationship is either a winner or a loser, and nothing they can do can change that. They don’t try, because why should they? Nothing they do will work, and relationships that aren’t “happy ever after” must not be meant to be.

Fixed mindsets practice acceptance to a detrimental degree, choosing to believe in pursuing the ephemeral “happily ever after”, instead of the work it really takes to get there.

But don’t just take my word for it, here’s some science!

Science!

What if you could predict whether a relationship would work? According to Dr. Jon Gottman, he can do just that. He is a world-famous researcher in the arena of marriage. He studied interaction in relationships that work, and ones that didn’t, and was able to predict with 90% accuracy whether a relationship would fail or succeed.

What makes a successful match? He found that couples who turned to each other 86% of the time in a receptive manner made it. Couples who were able to work through conflict together, stayed together. But how did the couples achieve this? Growth mindset, people!

Growth Mindsets and Relationships

By using what he calls the Sound Relationship House, Dr. Gottman was able to help couples move into a growth mindset. This meant they were able to work on the problems in the relationship instead of just accepting them as “irreconcilable differences”.

By practicing skills (more growth mindset!) such as creating shared meaning in their lives, turning towards instead of away from each other, and managing conflict, couples were able to enjoy more meaningful and lasting bonds that sustained the relationship. You can see a diagram of the Sound Relationship House here, along with more information about the Gottman method.

For more info on how to start on your own growth mindset, Dianne’s Introduction to Growth Mindset is just the place to begin.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

So, you say to yourself, “I tried turning to my partner 86% of the time, but it’s just getting worse! Now what?”

One way to start examining the problem is to ask yourself how you are responding. Are you using a growth mindset to work on the issues in front of you?

A concept introduced by Dr. Gottman is the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse : Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.

These four characteristics, according to Dr. Gottman, are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse when it comes to relationships. Partners who react with fixed mindsets and vent the frustrations in an unhealthy and destructive manner destroy lasting relationships. Couples who were willing to practice constructive behavior towards one another could grow in the relationship. They gained skills by trying new things and practicing them.

By using a growth mindset in their relationships, they were able to move past recriminations and enjoy a more healthy union.

My own experience

My partner and I have been through some pretty rough spots, but I know that I can turn to him (and often do!) with issues. I feel trust that we can work on them together. The things that we aren’t good at in the relationship (like saving money and planning for the future) we work on together. We practice the skills we need to have a great relationship all the time, and it’s still not easy.

Relationships take a lot of work, and aren’t for the lazy or faint of heart. By practicing a growth mindset in our relationship, we are able to make it work and be happy. To be honest, I am grateful for him every day, because he puts our relationship first on his list, making the work we put in together a priority.

Are you putting the work in? Does practicing a growth mindset in your relationship allow you to have more success and better communication? Or do you just leave it all up to chance and fixed mindsets? Comment below on your experiences, strengths, and hopes. Until next time!

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Photo Credits:

• Happily Ever After Tag – Glitter and Frills
• Cup of Science – Glenn Strong
• The Four Horsemen – Christopher Dombres