Exploring Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is something I’ve always tried to instill in my kids. Probably because I know what’s it’s like to be hijacked by your emotions on a daily basis. I have always struggled with my flight or fight response. If you’re like me, then you’re sometimes ruled by what you feel and your reactions to events occurring around you. I spent a lot of years regretting my behavior because I couldn’t control the way I reacted to things. This is probably where my EQ suffers the most.

So,what exactly is self-regulation? How can we grow our self-regulation to the point where we can make more rational (and hopefully good) decisions? Can we take the power out of our reactions? Today we’re going to explore self-regulation, and how to enrich your emotional intelligence.

Approach or Avoid?

All mammals have two reactions to emotions that they experience. Because our first response to outside stimuli is always approach or avoid. A good example of this is a lioness and antelope at a watering hole The lion has an approach response, her brain sending messages that release chemicals in her body, readying her for pouncing on the antelope. The antelope, on the other hand, jumps gracefully to safety in an automatic avoid response. Thus ensuring he will live to avoid being dinner for another day!

Examples of this sort of behavior in humans can be procrastination (avoidance), or goal planning or tracking (approach). If our bodies and brains are always preparing us for fight or flight responses, how can we do anything about the way we behave?

Taking your Emotional Temperature

First things first, you need to separate biological responses from your emotions. To explain this idea better, I’ll use an example:

You stay up too late and you’re late for work because you have a hard time waking up. This causes you to be irritable and short with everyone around you. You feel irritable. But, honestly, what you really are is tired. That’s a biological response to staying up too late the night before. So it’s not really an emotion, it’s a chemical imbalance. It’s just the way your brain perceives them.

So, take stock of your physical self before you start blaming your emotions. Are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? Stop what you’re doing and rectify that first. These are biological imperatives that must be addressed before we can take a rational action, instead of just reacting. Take a break and consider that you may just need to refresh and refuel before you make any choices that later on will come back to haunt you.

Values are Important

Acting inside of our value system is an important part of self-regulation as well. When we are at the grocery store, standing in a long line, we are (most of us) still able to maintain some sense of composure. As much as we want to, we don’t cut in line and demand to be first. That’s because we’ve all learned to line up and take turns as children. This is a part of our value system, or the principles that we practice in our daily lives. Examples of this are impulse control, and staying calm in stressful situations.

When we act in our integrity, society works. When we start giving into base emotions and biological responses, that’s when things start to become hairy. Practicing a common sense approach to self-regulation can look like:

• Getting on a schedule – By getting enough sleep, water, and healthy food, we can cut a lot of the biological stressors out right away. Getting on a schedule will help you to regulate those impulses that can cause us to lash out at one another.
• Express yourself – When you feel a certain way about something, it’s okay to share that in a way that is constructive. Letting others know where you are at is perfectly acceptable, and may explain to them why you’re being difficult to deal with at a certain time.
• Cut out stressors you don’t need – If you can cut a situation out of your life that causes you more stress than reward, do it. Weighing the pros and cons of any obligation is key to being able to maintain calm. So learn how to say no when you need to.

I’m glad that I have had this chance to self-evaluate. By taking my own emotional temp and tending to my biological imperatives, I’m able to maintain better self-regulation. This causes me to make fewer decisions in the heat of the moment, and therefore fewer regrets in my life.

Over to You

What are some ways that you’ve found help you to self regulate? What are some things in your life that cause you to react, as opposed to acting? Please share below, I look forward to hearing from you. I hope this finds you well and healthy. Until next time!