Empathy and Enabling: Hand Up or Hand Out?

As you may know, we started our new theme on Monday: empathy! I’m really excited about this theme, as I feel there’s a lot of room to explore the subject. Obviously, being able to empathize with another person isn’t only a great skill to have, it’s what makes the world go round. The only reason society is able to hold together is feeling the feelings of your fellow man. But when does empathy become a toxic thing? What is the difference between empathy and enabling, allowing yourself to be taken advantage of?

I’ve fallen into this pit before. Giving a hand out instead of a hand up can be detrimental to both the person who’s helping and the person who is receiving the help. This kind of behavior is called enabling. When we enable a person, we are encouraging bad or self destructive actions and behaviors in them. But what’s the difference between empathy and enabling? Where do we draw the line?

Empathy in Action

Let’s talk a little bit about what empathy looks like. It may be just commiserating with a co-worker about a tragic life event you both have been through. Something as simple as that. Since empathy is feeling the feelings of the person that you’re empathizing with, you feel sadness and grief because your peer is feeling those feelings. You feel joy when your child wins an award at school, mirroring the pride of accomplishment that your child feels.

This all sounds great! But how does empathy sometimes get out of hand? It’s easy and innocent enough. And it all usually starts off at the same place. I’ve done it myself time and time again, and it’s only through conscious effort that I was able to recognize and start changing this behavior.

Empathy vs. Enabling

I want to tell you a story about a particular person in my life. I’m going to call her “Jane”. Jane is a perfect example of how my empathy led me down the path to enabling. I can’t even blame Jane. It all happened because I allowed it to happen. I loaned Jane money because I knew what it was like to go without. I let Jane borrow my car because I knew how it sucked to have to rely on others for a ride. I let Jane move into my house because I knew what it was like to be homeless. But none of this fixed Jane. Jane had to fix herself.

Because I didn’t set boundaries in my relationship with Jane, we both suffered from our toxic relationship. Because I didn’t say, “I understand what you’re going through…”, instead of putting myself at Jane’s disposal, our relationship became unsustainable and crazy. I finally had enough, Jane had enough, and we went our separate ways. I loved Jane, but I had to do it from a distance, because I didn’t set boundaries.

Boundaries Protect us All

If I’d have been an older and wiser person, I could have set boundaries about what I was willing to do in the spirit of my empathy towards other people. By examining my feelings and my behavior, I was able to see a pattern. Not just with Jane, but everyone in my life. I don’t like to feel other people’s feelings of sadness, so I try to fix the situation and be a hero. But that’s not right for most situations.

People, for the most part, want to be heard, not helped. By just actively listening, instead of trying to fix a situation, we are able to act with both of the parties’ best interests at heart. It’s hard to set boundaries. It’s hard to say no, when we just want to rush in and say, “Yes, let me help you.” But that’s just not the right response, all the time.

Boundaries Keep us Safe

Robert Frost said in his poem the Mending Wall, “Good fences make good neighbors.”, and it’s true. Good boundaries keep us from poisoning the well of our relationships with our good intentions. They keep us from allowing our empathy to overwhelm our good sense. I’m still learning how to set boundaries with people. And I’m a better person because of it.

How do you avoid the trap of enabling your friends and family? What boundaries have saved a relationship you’ve had? Please share your experiences, strengths, and hopes below. If you have more questions about how to set boundaries with the loved ones in your life, check out the links below. Until next time!

• How to Avoid the Empathy Trap | Robin Stern, Diana Divecha | Greater Good Magazine
• The No BS Guide to Protecting Your Emotional Space | Jennifer Chesak | Healthline