6 Ways to Improve Your Communication, Relationship Management, and Emotional Intelligence

We’ve covered a few different topics in emotional intelligence so far. Today we will go over one of the pillars of emotional intelligence: relationship management. Relationship management includes a lot of different “people skills”, including the ability to conduct effective communication, lead and influence others, collaborate, negotiate, and resolve conflicts.

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Relationship Management

We’ve talked about Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence: Is It More Important Than IQ? [affiliate link], in previous articles. He says that relationship management is made up of the following competencies: 

• Leadership
• Developing Others
• Communication
• Change Catalyst
• Conflict Management
• Building Bonds
• Teamwork and Collaboration

It seems to me that each of these topics is worth a series of articles! Communication strategies in and of itself is probably even a whole niche in itself. When looking at articles about relationship management, lots of the information seems to be targeted at working professionals. 

• Jump to 6 Tips To Improve Your Communication

When you think about it though, conflict management, building bonds, communication…all of those skills are useful in your personal life also. Learning how to communicate better with your family and friends, to resolve conflicts, and build bonds is useful no matter what. 

So with so many competencies going into relationship management, how do you choose which to focus on? Which ones can strengthen your emotional intelligence the most?

When I think about it that way, it seems like communication skills are the most important when it comes to emotional intelligence overall. Today I’ll go over all the competencies really quickly, then throw down some useful communication strategies. 

Leadership

Being someone that others want to follow. Being able to inspire and influence others, even (and maybe especially) those you have no authority over. Leadership isn’t just being “a manager” – many times it’s just demonstrating leadership qualities to your peers and coworkers. 

Developing Others

I see this as helping others reach their full potential. You can do this through mentoring, coaching, or just being an active friend, family member or coworker. By active, I mean having someone’s best interests at heart, being willing to speak truth to them, being empathetic and being present. 

Change Catalyst

This is the ability to introduce new ideas and influence those around you to a change in direction. This applies at work or at home. Wrapped up in this is the ability to recognize the need for change. When you start a change within yourself, others close to you will see it. Maybe they will also want to make a change too!

Conflict Management

Being able to see things from others’ perspectives and manage through a conflict without avoiding it or suppressing it is an important skill. This one is tough because many of us are natural peace-keepers, but that doesn’t manage conflict. It just ignores it. Active listening is a valuable skill when managing conflict, as is the ability to empathize with the parties involved.

Building Bonds

Whether you call it networking, contact management, or just being the one to maintain the family calendar, building bonds is about the ability to build connections between yourself and others. 

Teamwork and Collaboration

“No man is an island!” The ability to work well within a team and collaborate with others is a hallmark of good relationship management. This involves the ability to negotiate, knowing when to step back and when to step up, the ability to listen to others’ ideas, and to keep an open mind.

Communication

And now the big boy, communication. At its simplest, communication is the exchanging of ideas and information. I think one of the keys here is exchange. It’s not just talking, or writing, to someone. It’s the back and forth that makes it actual, effective, communication. 

For this reason, active listening is a major component of effective communication. The ability to listen to the other party (or parties) is the only way to get a clear idea of how the communication is going, or what the other person needs from the communication. And because communication is an exchange, listening is the easiest way to know the other person’s thoughts, ideas, and opinions.

What you say, and how you say it, is another important element. Your tone of voice – or tone of email, text, or other medium – will affect how your message is heard. Or even if it is heard. Remember that this also includes body language! Your body language can reinforce or contradict the message you’re trying to send with your words. 

6 Things That Will Make You A Better Communicator

When it comes to effective communication strategies, there are a multitude available in many online articles. In my opinion and experience, these are the most effective things to remember when communicating.

1. Actively listen. Listen with your whole body, don’t interrupt, don’t finish the other person’s sentences, listen more than you talk, speak last, and listen to the unspoken messages. 
2. Ask yourself, “is it worth it?”. Before speaking, writing, or texting, especially if your emotions are high, and ESPECIALLY on social media, ask yourself if what you’re about to say, type, or post is worth it. And if it’s not, then zip your lip (or fingers) until you’ve figured out a better time and way to say it. Similarly, in work situations, you can ask yourself, “how does this add value?” If it doesn’t, then don’t say it. 
3. Say what you mean, and say it simply. Don’t use overly complicated words to say simple things. Don’t hedge, justify, or minimize. Just say what you mean, as clearly as you can. 
4. Adjust your style. Not everyone prefers to be communicated with in the same way. I am normally a fan of the Golden Rule. AND I also realize I can’t always communicate with someone else the way I want to be communicated with. You have to communicate with someone the way they want to be communicated with. If, that is, you want to actually be heard.
5. Pause before responding. So many times we speak in anger, or before we really understand what’s going on. There’s no harm in saying, “give me a sec” before responding. This gives you time to organize your thoughts and what you want to say. 
6. Wait until you’re calm. Very few meaningful conversations can happen when you’re angry or upset. Wait to speak until you’ve got your emotions under control. This is where you can flex your self-awareness and self-management skills. You’re more likely to regret saying something angry, mean, or inappropriate far more often than you will regret not saying it. 

More Resources

• Master Relationship Management to Enhance Your Emotional Intelligence | Change Management Coach
• Emotional Intelligence and Relationship Management | Free Management Books
• Relationship Management: The Fourth Pillar of Emotional Intelligence | Dr. Alan Zimmerman, CSP
• CBP S2E10: Listening With Respect and Engagement
• Empathy and Emotional Intelligence
• CBP S1E8: 5 Tips to Build Stronger Relationships

Over to You!