Empathy Extremes in Relationships

Empathy, when expressed well, can be a relationship builder with those around you. It can be a way of creating and deepening connections. Sometimes though, the having or lack of empathy can go too far in either direction. These extremes of empathy are a real thing, and can get in the way of a genuine, authentic, and healthy empathetic response.

You may be an overly empathic person. I myself have a hard time letting go of the feelings of others, sometimes to my own detriment. Sometimes I get in over my head trying to help others when I need to just commiserate and let it be. I talked a little about this last week.

Or, you might be someone who struggles with identifying with others’ feelings. Maybe you feel as if you don’t have empathy. Feeling cut off from others’ emotions can be as difficult as feeling all the feels.

How do you deal with someone who lacks empathy? What if you lack empathy? How do you negotiate a relationship with someone that just doesn’t get it?

Too Much!

As I’ve said in the past, I have a hard time letting go of the feelings I mirror in others. While it’s good to feel compassion and empathy for another person while they pour out their feelings to you, you need to be able to let it go. I don’t mean break out in song (mostly due to copyright reasons), but actually taking the time to feel the feelings, and being able to move on.

Being able to respond with empathy means you have to not let your own emotions get in the way. Letting your own emotions influence your responses can cause the opposite result to what you want.

Dr. Marcia Reynolds outlines some great tips on how to feel the feelings, let them run their course, and then let them dissipate. We empathic types can feel those feelings, acknowledge them, and let them pass. Then we can respond with compassion instead of letting our own emotions get in the way.

Remember, what most people want is a listening ear, not a solution. So be sure to not just listen for the space where you talk! If you need a brush up on listening, check out our podcast on active listening!

Not Enough!

What if you, or somebody that you care about lacks empathy? How do you deal with that? I have a person in my life that doesn’t have many empathic skills. Having a conversation that is about feelings is well nigh impossible. It usually ends in hurt feelings, both on my side and on theirs. So, what do you do?

If you know someone who avoids their and other’s feelings like the plague, I really feel for you. It can be really difficult trying to convey how you feel when they are out of touch with feelings in general. Empathy is a learned skill, though. With time and effort it can be learned, but only by the willing.

Lifehack.org has a great article about dealing with people who lack empathic skills, and how to deal with them. Avoid talking about your feelings, as they aren’t going to “get it”. Stick to the facts, and try to remember that they aren’t at a place right now where they can understand where you are coming from. People who lack empathy haven’t put in the work to understanding the feelings of others, so try to keep that in mind in all your interactions with them. Try to seek out support in other places, and try not to take it personal. It’s a real case of, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Just Right!

So, having done a little reading, I find that too much or not enough empathy can be a really bad thing. Putting everyone before yourself isn’t healthy. And disregarding all the feelings of your fellow man is a sure way to find yourself alone. As with all things, seek out the balance. Moderation is the key! Feel the feelings, and let them pass. Listen actively, and don’t rush in to fix or pity the person you’re trying to be empathic to.

And have patience and give distance to the people in your life that aren’t as far along in developing empathic skills. They don’t understand what the big deal is. They don’t have the capacity to put themselves in your shoes. And unless they start the job of working on practicing empathy, they aren’t going to gain it.

So is it a Super Power?

While it may not be an actual super power, empathy is an essential life skill that I encourage you to develop. We all can work on building empathic skills in the same way we do other skills, by practicing them! Anyone can become more empathic, you aren’t born that way, but you learn it as you go.

Obviously, there are people who suffer from extreme mental illnesses that rob them of the ability to feel any empathy at all. But people, for the most part, are just trying to help you in the way that they think is best. Even if it isn’t always helpful to you. Try to keep this in mind if you deal with someone that lacks empathy. They are doing the best that they can.

Do you have someone in your life that lacks empathy? Or are you maybe a person that identifies in an extreme way with the people around you? Please share your thoughts about empathy with us! Until next time!